181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead

‘Giving choices’ is a hot tool in the respectful parenting world.  In the scripts, it usually goes like this:     Child: “I want a snack!”     Parent: “OK!  Would you like an apple or a banana?”     Child: “A banana, please!”     And the parent hands over the banana. But when you actually try it in your own home, it usually looks more like this:      Your child: “I want a snack!”     You: “OK! Would you like an apple or a banana?”     Your child: “I want cookies!”WHY IS THAT?!  Why does it never ‘work’ the way it’s supposed to?  Why doesn’t our child follow the script?There’s a simple and easy reason, and in this episode I break it down - and teach you the effective tool to use instead of giving choices.Setting Loving (& Effective!) LimitsDo you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.  Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.It’s available in two different forms: Mid-May to Mid-March each year: Take the course at your own pace Mid-March to Mid-May each year: Join the waitlist and take the course with my support in early May!Click the banner to learn more. Jump to highlights:(00:54)Many parenting coaches recommend giving children choices as a way to get them to cooperate.(02:43)The effectiveness of using choices to our children(05:47)Reasons why giving choices makes us lose the possibility of meeting both of our needs(08:01)How using choices motivates children to do the things they wouldn’t want to do(09:00)Why choices teach children consequences(09:40)Benefits of using true empathy(10:26)Giving choices to negotiate how children will do a chore/task(11:55)The use of rewards to motivate children fails to consider both the child’s and parent’s needs, leading to resentment and missed opportunity for making real choices(13:28)Giving choices as a win-win situation(14:05)The choices parents give often do not meet the child’s needs(17:08)Distinguishing between needs and strategies(19:01)The importance of meeting both our and our children’s needs(20:34)Ben shares his struggles before joining the Setting Limits workshop(22:55)Ben shares how effective the tools he learned in the Setting Limits workshop(26:29)Deon shares her experience after joining the Setting Limits workshop(27:01) An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop             Other episodes referenced in this episode086: Playing to Win:...