181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead

Giving choices’ is a hot tool in the respectful parenting world.  In the scripts, it usually goes like this:   Child: “I want a snack!” Parent: “OK!  Would you like an apple or a banana?” Child: “A banana, please!” And the parent hands over the banana. But when you actually try it in your own home, it usually looks more like this: Your child:: “I want a snack!” You: “OK! Would you like an apple or a banana?” Your child: “I want cookies!”   WHY IS THAT?!  Why does it never ‘work’ the way it’s supposed to?  Why doesn’t our child follow the script? There’s a simple and easy reason, and in this episode I break it down - and teach you the effective tool to use instead of giving choices.   Questions this episode will answer Why do parenting experts recommend giving choices to kids? Giving choices is often recommended as a "magic bullet" for getting kids to cooperate. In theory, offering limited options should give kids a sense of control while still getting them to do what you want. But there's more to why this strategy often falls flat in real homes with real kids.   What happens in real life when I try giving choices to my toddler? Scenarios in parenting books show a child happily picking a banana when offered "apple or banana." But in real life, this usually goes differently - your child wants a cookie instead! The episode reveals why this disconnect happens and how to address it.   How does giving choices change as kids get older? With older kids, the choices we offer often become more complex and loaded with hidden expectations. For example, telling a child to "choose one physical activity" carries assumptions about what's best for them. The episode explores how these underlying messages affect your relationship with your child.   Should I use choices to motivate my child to do homework? When we say things like "Do homework now and you'll be able to get screen time sooner," we're not really addressing what's behind the...