154: Authoritative isn’t the best Parenting “Style”

“On average, authoritative parents spanked just as much as the average of all other parents.  Undoubtedly, some parents can be authoritative without using spanking but we have no evidence that all or even most parents can achieve authoritative parenting without an occasional spank.”   I was fascinated by this statement, since authoritative parenting is the best style.  We know it’s the best, right?   I mean, everyone says it is.  Including me and who was the co-author on this paper this statement comes from?  None other than Dr. Diana Baumrind, creator of the Parenting Styles (although they weren’t called that then; they were originally called the Models of Parental Control.  Just to make sure we’re on the same page here, I’m going to say that again: Dr. Diana Baumrind, who created the parenting styles/model of parental control, says you can’t achieve the parenting style that has the ‘best’ outcomes for children without an occasional spank.   So in this episode we dig pretty deeply into what makes up the parenting styles, and what Dr. Baumrind and others found about the effectiveness of these styles, and what impacts they had on children.  (And I have to warn you now, the samples sizes we’re looking at to ‘prove’ that authoritative is the best parenting style are going to make your stomach churn.)   Questions this episode will answer What are the parenting styles that Dr. Diana Baumrind identified? Dr. Baumrind originally identified three parenting styles in her groundbreaking research: Authoritarian (high control, low warmth) Permissive (low control, high warmth) Authoritative (high control, high warmth). Later, other researchers added a fourth style—Uninvolved or Neglectful parenting (low control, low warmth). This completes the two-by-two grid framework we know today. The episode explores what Baumrind actually meant by these categories. They might not be helpful for modern parents trying to build healthy relationships with their children.   What's the difference between parenting styles and parental control? Were they originally the same thing? Many parents don't realize that what we now call "parenting styles" began as Dr. Baumrind's study of "Models of Parental Control." This shows that her research focused on how parents exercise authority over children. She wasn't looking to describe all possible parenting approaches. Most experts - including me! - just replicate what everyone else says: Authoritative is the best parenting style. But when we dig deeper we find that authoritative might not be as great as most experts claim.   Why does everyone say authoritative parenting is the best style? Authoritative parenting is widely promoted as the gold standard. It supposedly balances firm boundaries with emotional warmth.  Decades of research have shown that authoritative is the best of the three (later four) parenting styles that Dr. Baumrind identified.  But there’s no evidence that these are the only possible parenting styles.  Dr. Baumrind herself found another style that she called ‘harmonious’ but she chose not to explore it. Researchers have just accepted that there are only four styles. Within these four, authoritative is often (but not always) best for children.   How large were the sample sizes in Dr. Baumrind's original parenting styles research? The sample sizes in Dr. Baumrind's original research were shockingly small. You might then question how such an influential idea became so widely accepted on such limited evidence. This is a perfect example of why we should critically examine even the most established parenting theories.   Is authoritative best...