184. Surrender & slowing down
It can feel like s**t.The work is ongoing. For me, for you, for all of us - because we don’t “get there” or “overcome that” and just …stop. Be done. Cured. Fixed. Healed. We are SUPPOSED to continue to evolve, grow, change, rebirth. Sounds glamourous, in reality - feels like s**t. When I think about my own evolution, the first thing I’m met with is the doubt. The self imposed (but very-real-feeling) limitations. For me, there is a knowing that I feel like I was born with - it’s a deep knowing of my worth, what I want and what I feel I deserve.But as I experience life (and particularly, business) it feels like continually being exposed to situations, circumstances and challenges that undermine that innate confidence. THAT is how it feels, for ME.Because deep down, the most ancient part of me is grounded, connected, stable, present and knowing. THAT is the part of me I find SO easy to bring to my clients, and the part of me I have to intentionally cultivate for myself. I say intentional, because my natural go-to IS to avoid discomfort. But what I realise is it’s my EGO that doesn’t like the discomfort, which is the same part of me that needs to be humbled. And because of this, I personally can be slow on the uptake to change …BECAUSE it’s uncomfortable, and I APPRECIATE comfort. I can be stubborn, I can resist letting go of control, I can find myself stuck.And all of this contributes to my deep understanding of those I serve. Being aware of what’s driving us… Because when we are not conscious of our fears, it sees us looping around in circles.When we don’t allow ourselves to recognise that we have blind spots, often it’s the things we aren’t aware of that are actually the driving force of our decisions & behaviour. Often, we aren’t conscious of how afraid we are but often it’s THAT EXACT FEAR that is behind the scenes dictating our choices, pulling the strings. Hence - we run into the same issues, each time dressed up in different clothes, and we don’t know why so we blame. We blame* Circumstances* People* Our environment* Resources or lack of them …what restricts us* Ourselves Sometimes this also looks like clinging. Clinging to what feels comfortable. EVEN IF WE DON’T REALLY WANT THE THING WE ARE CLINGING TO …if it feels like safety / security, we cling. …If it’s the same theme that keeps arising, that’s possibly a sign that there is something needing to be dealt with. Patiently. Lovingly. Respectfully. How we handle it all… All this considered, it’s important to be aware of how you cope when you don’t feel safe or secure.* Do you calm your nervous system? Or do you distract yourself? * Do you slow your thoughts down or feed into the speed of your racing mind with caffeine and mindless activity? * Do you get very intentional about what you will and won’t practically do? Or do you distract yourself with frantic activity? The fear, the anxiety - it’s asking something of you. It’s asking you to meet yourself.But often we mistake ‘soothing’ ourselves for ‘meeting ourselves’.Soothing has it’s place, but we can’t stay in that gear for the whole journey. Soothing can take many forms:* Overindulging - eating, shopping, spending, fixating, fixing * Throwing yourself into work * Hyper focusing on something disproportionately …and a lot of the time, these things can even APPEAR positive, but if we are doing them MAINLY TO AVOID meeting ourselves, that’s when we need to pay attention.What “it’s” trying to do…For me personally. when I’ve over identified with something in life or business I often find that I meet resistance or in certain situations I even find that part of me being ‘burned down’.This ‘burning down’ forces me to meet the parts of myself I’ve been avoiding, or soothing …but not REALLY dealing with. It feels like my guardian angels saying “ok Nik’s not f*****g listening, let’s MAKE HER listen” …you know? So what I believe to be true is…* the resistance* the darkness* the challenges, adversity, uncertainty …they’re there for us to MEET OURSELVES. We want to grasp for control…But the void won’t be filled by what you’re grasping to in order to control. And THIS forces us to question what is REALLY going on.It’s not a punishment, you’re not a victim. You’ve not done anything WRONG. This is all just taking you deeper and encouraging you to develop more intimacy with yourself. We are being stripped of all our usual methods we use to “feel” in control so that we can learn to surrender. What IS surrender? When there is no more…* Questioning* Doing* Quick fixing* Distractions* Powering through* Figuring it out * Strategising & logic-ing through * Outsourcing our power to a book or a guru or tarot reader THAT is surrender. Because none of these things work long term. They work temporarily. They work on situations, not on your inner world. Not forever. The “being here now” without controlling. The “being here now” without fixing. THAT’S surrender. When the situation presented to you isn’t what you want or expected it to be or is displeasing to you and you SIT WITH yourself in that place. THAT is surrender. You let it be, rather than control how it is. It doesn’t mean “doing nothing”. It simply means not resisting what it is. In that moment you aren’t living into the story of who you’ve been saying you are. In that moment you let go of control which makes you wake up to the realisation that the control wasn’t even actually working in the first place. When you’re spinning out, you subconsciously think that the spinning will be the thing that gets you out of it. That gets rid of it. When you’re soothing you subconsciously thing that it’ll distract you long enough for it to go away. But these things wont’ liberate you. Won’t empower you. Won’t free you. The acceptance will. True, embodied empowermentSo instead of fighting for control through superficial means, you regain your real power. Often we are so afraid to be in our own power that instead we choose to be a victim of our powerlessness. We project. We give the power to the “if”.“If I am _______ THEN I’ll be ok.”“If I have _____ THEN I’ll be ok.”“If I achieve ____ THEN I’ll be ok.”No.Empowerment is OWNING your s**t AS MUCH AS owning your brilliance. It’s incorporating the wisdom you’ve rightfully earned from surrender. It’s connecting to the inner reasons why the outer stuff feels so hard and owning it.All of it.Taking responsibility for it. I wish this for you, and for me. I hope that we can continue to not dishonour ourselves but instead honour the journey for everything that it is. And from that place, with that intention, I am cheering you on. Nik x This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nikkicross.substack.com