Existential Love

I want to end this three day reflection on Joy with a distinction between two kinds of love. We’ll call the first existential love, and define it as taking delight in the existence of another. In everyday English, I think we usually express this love as when you “like” somebody, i.e., when that person’s presence gives you pleasure. There’s also what we could call perfective love, which is desiring and working for the fulfillment of another. This is where we dedicate ourselves to helping someone else, whether materially or spiritually.      I think it’s crucial for a celebration of existence to realize that God’s existential love is prior to His perfective love. Creation is prior to redemption. God likes us before He saves us. When we say “God loves you,” we don’t just mean that God wants you to be happy, or that He gives everything to free us from sin. Sure He does. But “God loves you” means first of all that God is pleased that you’re here. How do we know? Because if He wasn’t, you wouldn’t be here!  Catholic metaphysics is the most psychologically affirming doctrine there is: God is, right now, supplying you with being. God, right now, thinks you make the world a better place. God, right now, is happy that you exist. And nothing you can do or fail to do can change that. (Yes, we sometimes sin, and God isn’t pleased with that. But even if He doesn’t like our sin, He does like that we’re here).   So as long as God delights in your being, and in the being of everything else, you might as well delight in your being and in the being of everything else. You might as well take some time to rest. But remember too that God’s love largely manifests itself through other persons. In other words, we need to consider whether our own attitude towards the people around us is reflective of God’s attitude towards us.  Let me give an example: with my kids, I really have a difficult time remembering that my first job as a father is to show them how happy I am that they exist. Because I love them, I want them to develop as full human beings, and I spend a lot of time and energy trying to educate them intellectually, morally, and even physically. That’s as it should be. But that can’t be the fundamental relationship – I can’t put perfective love ahead of existential love. They have to know that my love is unconditional, that I’m just happy they exist, and that nothing they do or don’t do can shake my conviction that their presence makes the world (and my life) way better. I consistently need to remind myself to show them first of all my delight in their existence – that I don’t just love them, I like them. I like them a lot. If I do that, they’ll be that much more likely to rest in God’s goodness and in their own. They’ll be that much better equipped to experience delight now and in the next life. The fundamental mission of every parent is to help their children into a committed relationship with Jesus. Likewise, the fundamental mission of every Christian, and I mean all of you, not just the professionals, is to help other people into a committed relationship with Jesus. Wrongly, we think this means we need to convince other people of doctrines or moral truths. We don’t want to do this because if we begin by telling people about doctrines and the moral law, there is a good chance we will be rejected and seen as annoying. With good reason, because it is not the place to start. The place to start is with existential love, taking delight in the existence of another. The place to begin with all people, especially our spouse and kids, is by getting to know and understand them better. If we have a genuine fascination with their lives and demonstrate this with the interest that leads us to ask good questions which turns into good conversation then we have done that person the greatest service by demonstrating to them that they are of immense value just because they are a human person.